zero

i've been here before.
it was ugly then.
it's still ugly now.
it's dark and it sucks.
took me months to get out and start again.
with wounds and scratches, I almost bleed mysoul to death inside.
but i picked it up, pieces by pieces.
i did it once.
hell, i did it twice.
now, out of nowhere, i found myself sprawl in the same ugly place.
and this time around
i am sure i wont be getting out soon.
i need miracles.
i need Your miracle.

::still here::

20 October 2010

It’s been 20 days since you gone.
I still haven’t found the strength to keep your stuff away.
And I still find peace and calm sleeping with your blankie.
I’d dream of you every now and then.
I don’t know how you are doing over there.
I like to believe that you are in happier and better place like everyone else been convincing me.
I would like to believe that.
I still secretly pick up your blankie and smell that scent and for a split second I can almost smell you.
Are you sure you are happy there? They are treating you alright?
Your food is still here, I still haven’t move it, so does your toys. In case you might miss them or need them.
I am still here. We are still here.
Missing you.

My little piece of heaven.

Days passed us by.
And it's still hard to sleep without you.
When usually you’re safe and sound tucked at my feet or mommybib's chest or in between us.
No matter how tired nowadays, I still can’t easily fall asleep.
I'd think of you.

The smell of your fur. That distinctive scent yang selalu menenangkan mummy.
The warmth that it gives. Bila hujan or rumah kita sejuk, selalu je kita berhimpit-himpit dan body warmth from each other J
The purring saying "i'm content too mummy and i love you too, now go to sleep"
And of course that wet nose of yours.
I miss those tiny footsteps of yours, slowly finding your way between us, not wanting us to sulk because you chose mummybib rather than me.
It's okay really.
I understand. I do.

We had our moments when mummyBib was away with her tournaments.
We did ya King and oh how i miss those moments. Just you and me.
I remember once when I was too tired to wake up and wanna continue sleeping, you cough so hard. Back then I thought you were trying to get my attention so mummy would teman you breakfast, but come to think of it, maybe those were the early signs of your deterioring health. I am sorry King. I was ignorant.

Even now, tiap pagi mummy masih tunggu suara King kejutkan kami untuk Subuh. Bila kami tarik selimut pasti King lagi bising dan pijak kepala mummy. You were persistent. King pasti sabar tunggu habis solat dan tak sabar nak upahnya, temankan King makan pula. Comel.
Now, no matter how many times I let the alarm snoozes off itself and wait for that furry paws to wake me again, it never came.
I still sometimes found myself waiting for you to take the morning shower, even though you hate to get your white fluffy paws wet, finally you'd just wait outside without fail.
and as upah, mesti teman King makan breakfast. Lagi. :)
But lately after breakfast, mummy mesti bagi something else pada King.
It was your medication King. For your heart and kidney.

Remember when you cant lift your head?
You can barely meow.
Bersyukur jumpa King di dalam toilet pagi tu.
You were pale and almost unconcious.
Berpisah kita sekejap for 6 days, but mommyBib never failed to visit you everysingle day.
Mommy Ina too.
You remember that King?

It was 7th of August 2010. After admitting you to Animal Medical Centre, we were asked to wait for the blood test result. We didn’t expect it at all. I was dumbstruck. MummyBib was beyond despair. Dr. Siva told us that you have Congestive Heart Failure. Jantung King dah bengkak dan besar, buah pinggang rosak.

I always knew you have a big heart. A big heart full of love for us and people around you.

You were put in an oxygen cube or ICU for 3 days. You fought and you gave everything you got.
By Friday, you were back in our arms again.
You lost 1.1kg. But you were still the most handsome cat ever.
You are a natural heartbreaker :)

Starting from that, Dr. Siva pesan, King kena makan ubat setiap hari tak boleh miss.
King memang budak baik.
Never missed your medication.
Even when we had to go back to Seremban.
Aunty Afina and Aunty Mariah ever willingly and more than honored to help to take care of you.

Oh King, mommy miss you so much.

I still wonder what you are doing at home when mummy at the office.
I still panic when it rains so heavily.
"have i shut the window?"
"did i close the sliding door?"

I know how much you hate the terrible sound of the storm and banging of the door when the wind blew so hard.
I keep wondering where will you be hiding when the rain finally pours that it makes funny noises through the door.
I still look forward finishing the work early so I get to get home first so you'd greet me at the door.
But as usual mummyBib will arrived first and steal your attention :)
Tapi King pandai ambik hati mummy. Mesti nak lelap tidur pada mummy. :)

Mummy minta maaf selalu tinggalkan King bila balik ke Seremban.
You cant travel anymore as Doc’s advised. Travelling made you anxious and it’s not good for your heart. Mummy tau King tak suka tinggal sorang, bila mummy say bye,you’d look away.When we say ‘we love you King” you’d move your ears. But still you wont look at us. I am sorry.
Tapi macamana King merajuk pun, by the time kami balik semula, kami tau King dah sedia menunggu di pintu. And without fail juga, mesti nak bawa mummyBib to your scratch post, show off how strong you’ve become. MummyBib’s your biggest fan, cheering you all the way. And you guys have your very own ritual where you’d stand up and listen to mummyBib’s song especially for you. Oh rindunya dengan tangan King yang berstokin putih tu..

Rindu.
Terlalu rindu.

Mummy tau King memang determine untuk sihat semula lepas keluar ward dulu.
King rajin makan ubat. Sekali sekala King cuba nak elak, tapi mummy tau bukan sebab King tak nak sihat, sebab King bosan mummy treat King macam King tak sihat sangat. No running, no jumping, no spontaneous acts and suprises.
Lama kelamaan,minggu demi minggu, King bertambah sihat, bertambah gebu. We were so happy and Dr Erni from Vet UPM was so relieved and happy for your progress. Next check up will be on November 1st at AMC.

But in 27th September 2010, mummy couldn’t find you. Nak bagi ur medication macam biasa. Tak mungkin King tak bangun lagi. Hati mummy dah tergerak.
I found you. Scared. Because King kencing atas lantai. Tapi mummy tak marah.
I know you would never do that for no reason at all. You were not feeling well. Sejuk kaki dan tangan King. I know I had to wake mummyBib up to take you to AMC ASAP.
The urine test was negative, but your blood test was not. By the second time we visit you, you were paralyzed and they cant seemed to know why.
We were getting really restless, as doctors cant seem to detect the reason you become paralyzed. I was ready to get a second opinion from Vet UPM. By then, more blood was taken from you and the xrays showed to lower spine injury.

Then by Thursday morning, I finally able to connect to dots, thanks to medical journals and articles, you got all the symptoms for Arterial Thromboembolism (ATE). With your medical file and history with me, and all the articles printed, Vet UPM , here I come.

But before I was able to , Dr. Sim called from AMC.
“King is not responding to his medication and we highly advised for you to come immediately”

You know the rest of the story King..


I can still feel you with us.
I accept the fact that you are gone.
But just let me hold on to this.
This memories.
Of how a cat able to make me feel human more than anything else.
Of how a cat taught us to love with all our hearts.
And expect nothing in return.
But gain more than we ever imagined.
King.
Of my heart.